WELCOME

Today I announced my first time ever blogs. I have been motivated to do this by Maya who has been blogging for some years and recently started a new blog with the purpose of letting off steam. So I thought I also can use some letting off steam. At first I thought “who’s going to read these anyway?” but then I realized I don’t need to care. It’s more like putting a message in a bottle and tossing it into the ocean of the internet. Someone will read it one day, someone with patience. I have a lot to share and I know I like to keep it as detailed as it gets (one could say “I have a problem with keeping it short” but I rather not see it as a problem). I hope you have the patience

So I started this blog and three others about a month ago. I’ve been updating it quite often ever since but this may not be sustained as I’m not this much online when I’m on the road. I’ve decided to make use of this period of temporarily settling in a ‘civilized’ place by sharing things.

I was waiting to be more satisfied with the first part of the content to invite you here but I realized that’s very hard. I’m not that happy with my blogging skills but it’s a new thing for me anyway. I feel like I’m writing an e-mail to a good, concerned friend who doesn’t have a face or a name. It’s like keeping a diary starting with “dear journal” and then letting the world see it. It’s weird. I just hope it’s not boring and that you have a little patience to see what I have to share.

I just learned that the order of blog posts go reverse. So what you see right below this one is the last post I sent and the first post I wrote is at the bottom of this page, or even on the ‘history’ part which can be reached through the side panel. I would really appreciate it if you can start with the couple of first entries rather than the last ones, so that the blog gains a little relevance.

I would really like to hear some comments about what I wrote so please click the ‘comment’ link right under the posts to give me some feedback. If you really like what I write and want to see what I write as soon as I put it online you can ‘subscribe’ to this blog using the ‘subscribe’ links on the side panel (RSS).

As I said I have 4 blogs now. This one is about my inner journey and I have one on traveling, one on relationship stories and one in Turkish.


Welcome to my little web.

But this is an old tale you tell – they say.

But surely this is a new tale you tell – some say.

Tell it once again – they say;

Or, do not tell it again – others say.

But I have heard all this before –say some;

Or, but this is not how it was told before – say the rest.

And these, these are our people, Dervish Baba, this is man.


Naqshibandi Recital

as quoted in The Way of The Sufi by Idries Shah

Being 37

I used to believe that I would die when I'm 37. The reason for this was a part of a greater dialogue I was having with God as a kid. I asked for a proof and God waited 20 years to give me that but about this age the signs came much earlier.


It's one of those numbers that keeps catching your eyes everywhere. Since I was not aware of the fact that my dad was 37 when I was born, the first one that caught my eye was my primary school number. Then when I was in high school suddenly all numbers were 37, my dormitory room, my dining table, my library card. I was excited when digital watches became so popular and I also had one but I couldn't carry it for long because 4 out of 5 times I'd l look at it in one day it would be 37 past something. I switched to analog. In university I was surprised to see the first girl I had a crash on had the number 037 but when within the first days of my relationship with my second girl friend in the university they had her dormitory room changed to number 37 I thought maybe it was contagious. And it was. It went on like this and although the frequency changes, this number is still with me.


Why I thought of it as my age of death and not something else is another story. I know it came pretty early, too early for a child to think of when he's going to die but I never really questioned it; it was like hearing a word of God or channeling some information that already is written somewhere else. When they asked me what I would be when I grew up, I would only think up to 37. When I was no more a kid and we would talk with friends about when we grow old, I wouldn’t fantasize about my 60s because I “knew” I’d live up to 37. I had plans until that age only, and it consisted mainly of living free and learning about life. This went on until a few years ago.

I know it sounds pretty stupid to get obsessed with a reoccurrence of a number and even more stupid to think of it as an age to leave this body, but, honestly, it gave me the freedom to live every day (or every decade) as if it’s my last. I managed to not be attached to anything. In fact, when I felt things getting too rigid in my life, I just quited them. I have addictions like anybody else but at least being a traveler I managed to be more committed to life itself than anything else.

The only problem about this is that I am 37 now and I don’t really feel I’m leaving soon. I honestly would like to have a fresh start but I wouldn’t like to start from age zero in another body. I’m very thankful for all the experience of this life and the little wisdom it brought me. I’d rather have a rebirth while I live. What I have to accept here is perhaps that I’m a bit too lazy to take the steps for this rebirth. Rumi’s words ring in my ears continuously:

Gamble everything for love,
if you’re a true human being.
If not, leave this gathering.

Half-heartedness doesn’t reach into majesty.
You set out to find God,
but you keep stopping for long periods
at mean spirited roadhouses.

So in short I can say that I feel, or I have always felt, that something is going to happen with me soon. I like to think of it as a positive rebirth, detox sort of thing but I know sometimes the best lessons in life come the hard way and we just have to be prepared for it. Just don’t be too surprised when it happens, I’ll try not to be and give thanks. I just can’t wait for it.

Birdsong brings relief
To my longing.
I am just as ecstatic as they are,
But with nothing to say!

Please, universal soul,
practice some song,
or something,
through me!

Maulana Jalal-ud-din Rumi

The Wheel of Dependent Origination

Here is why there is so much suffering, why even when we feel whole and happy there is something in us which is not happy. This is the wheel of dependent arising from Buddhism. It is a chain of things which create a facit circle which we unconsciously follow and which lead to suffering. To be free from suffering we need to break this chain. Although basically it is very simple to do it (like “be here now”) it is also very hard since we are in a way ‘addicted’ to the way things go. This wheel and each of its elements are subject to years of studying. I will not attempt to explain them here but you can find material on the subject pretty easily (see links at the end). This is also usually one main subject of teaching in most meditation courses.

I hope the time we will break our chains and find our peaceful center comes without too much suffering.

Paticcasamuppada- The wheel of dependent origination

Ignorance leads to Contact

Contact leads to Feeling

Feeling leads to Craving

Craving leads to Attachment

Attachment leads to Becoming

Becoming leads to Birth

Birth leads to Suffering

Suffering leads to Ignorance

(On many wheels the path between Ignorance and Contact is also expanded to Ignorance leads to Concoction leads to Mind-Body leads to Six Sense Organs leads to Contact)

***

Buddhists seem to love numbering things and here is the Noble Eightfold Path:

1. Right Understanding,

2. Right Aim,

3. Right Speech,

4. Right Action,

5. Right Livelihood,

6. Right Effort,

7. Right Mindfulness,

8. Right Concentration

And here are the Ten Fetters tying us to the cycle of existence:

1. Personality belief,

2. Uncertainty about the path,

3. Belief in rites and rituals,

4. Sensuous greed,

5. Ill-will,

6. Greed for fine material existence,

7. Greed for immaterial existence,

8. Pride,

9. Agitation,

10. Ignorance.

May all beings be happy,

May all beings be healthy,

May all beings be holy,

May there be no disharmony of any kind anywhere.

_______________________________

Here are some links if you want to learn more about dependent origination and/or Buddhism in general.

http://www.vimokkha.com/paticcasamuppada.html

http://www.akshin.net/introduction/intro-causeofsuffering.htm

http://www.geocities.com/dependentorigination/

http://web.ukonline.co.uk/buddhism/mogokcan.htm