Being 37

I used to believe that I would die when I'm 37. The reason for this was a part of a greater dialogue I was having with God as a kid. I asked for a proof and God waited 20 years to give me that but about this age the signs came much earlier.


It's one of those numbers that keeps catching your eyes everywhere. Since I was not aware of the fact that my dad was 37 when I was born, the first one that caught my eye was my primary school number. Then when I was in high school suddenly all numbers were 37, my dormitory room, my dining table, my library card. I was excited when digital watches became so popular and I also had one but I couldn't carry it for long because 4 out of 5 times I'd l look at it in one day it would be 37 past something. I switched to analog. In university I was surprised to see the first girl I had a crash on had the number 037 but when within the first days of my relationship with my second girl friend in the university they had her dormitory room changed to number 37 I thought maybe it was contagious. And it was. It went on like this and although the frequency changes, this number is still with me.


Why I thought of it as my age of death and not something else is another story. I know it came pretty early, too early for a child to think of when he's going to die but I never really questioned it; it was like hearing a word of God or channeling some information that already is written somewhere else. When they asked me what I would be when I grew up, I would only think up to 37. When I was no more a kid and we would talk with friends about when we grow old, I wouldn’t fantasize about my 60s because I “knew” I’d live up to 37. I had plans until that age only, and it consisted mainly of living free and learning about life. This went on until a few years ago.

I know it sounds pretty stupid to get obsessed with a reoccurrence of a number and even more stupid to think of it as an age to leave this body, but, honestly, it gave me the freedom to live every day (or every decade) as if it’s my last. I managed to not be attached to anything. In fact, when I felt things getting too rigid in my life, I just quited them. I have addictions like anybody else but at least being a traveler I managed to be more committed to life itself than anything else.

The only problem about this is that I am 37 now and I don’t really feel I’m leaving soon. I honestly would like to have a fresh start but I wouldn’t like to start from age zero in another body. I’m very thankful for all the experience of this life and the little wisdom it brought me. I’d rather have a rebirth while I live. What I have to accept here is perhaps that I’m a bit too lazy to take the steps for this rebirth. Rumi’s words ring in my ears continuously:

Gamble everything for love,
if you’re a true human being.
If not, leave this gathering.

Half-heartedness doesn’t reach into majesty.
You set out to find God,
but you keep stopping for long periods
at mean spirited roadhouses.

So in short I can say that I feel, or I have always felt, that something is going to happen with me soon. I like to think of it as a positive rebirth, detox sort of thing but I know sometimes the best lessons in life come the hard way and we just have to be prepared for it. Just don’t be too surprised when it happens, I’ll try not to be and give thanks. I just can’t wait for it.

Birdsong brings relief
To my longing.
I am just as ecstatic as they are,
But with nothing to say!

Please, universal soul,
practice some song,
or something,
through me!

Maulana Jalal-ud-din Rumi