Two days ago we went on a sightseeing/snorkeling boat trip with 6 other people we have just met (it’s cheaper and perhaps more fun this way). Our first stop was the Seven Islands which is much recommended for snorkeling. We put on our masks and some wore their life jackets and we plunged into the glassy green waters watching the colorful fish of this coral heaven. After some time we either got cold or felt it was time to move to another spot and made it towards the boat. We saw one of our company, one of the two woman professors from Manila, little far from the boat but she gave a signal to the other boat that she’s OK and perhaps would be coming soon. When I got on the boat I dried myself and looked at her drifting with her orange life jacket on. I took my binoculars (by this time she was over 100 meters away) and said to the others on the boat “she doesn’t seem to move”. They said “she just said she’s OK, she’ll be coming soon”. But she was not moving!
After 10 or 20 seconds she still didn’t seem to move and I managed to make the other guys on the boat worry. At this the captain waved at the little fisherman near her to go and see and two guys from our boat jumped into the sea and started swimming. We were stunned to see her motionless when the fisherman reached her first and tried to pull her up. Pulling the anchor and untying the boat from the buoy took time but when we arrived they were still trying to pull her on the boat. I jumped and helped the two men lift her up. The German guy who had swam the 200 meters was a first aid instructor and he knew all the classical life saving moves like CPR and mouth-to-mouth breathing but I think we were too late. We took her on our boat and went quickly back to the port, meanwhile two guys giving her CPR and breathing. We put them on a tricycle and I started shaking like I’m having a fit. Fortunately someone from the crowd came and offered me a cigarette to cool me down. When I arrived at the hospital she was already declared dead.
This was my closest encounter with dying. I’ve seen more than enough drowned people during the summers of my childhood and I’ve witnessed some car accidents where it would be a miracle if no one was dead. The nearest I’ve been to a dead person was my grandfather who was dead at the age of 97 and I knew I’d see him like this soon anyway. But this time it was different. I had never touched a dead person and never really tried to save a life.
She was with us that morning, alive. Her friend made a joke that she doesn’t swim well but if something happens to her, her students wouldn’t miss her much because she’s very tough with them. We were sitting on the same bench and while we were enjoying the colorful fish and corals her time came and she left us. And she left us with her dead body.
Have you seen bodies which doesn’t have life in them? Not nice. But after all we’ll all be leaving this bodies and our bodies won’t look very nice. What am I talking about; I’m sorry to get carried away like this but I have to let this out and cleanse myself from it.
So once again I realized life is short and can end any moment. We really have to make good use of each moment we live and give thanks. Last time I felt this was exactly one year ago in Sumatra, when I almost drowned while tubing on a river. Those few moment under the pressure of the rushing water which kept me trapped against a tree trunk, I thought “hmm, maybe this is the end, but I don’t feel like it’s supposed to finish like this, and where’s Maya anway” and with one last effort I managed to save myself from the tree and go for Maya.
This past one year, I had many moments I’m very happy to have fitted into this lifetime. But there are also things that I could do without as well as things I keep postponing. I remember to give thanks at least few times a day (despite some sarcasm). When I feel I can surrender to the flow of life with no resistance I feel this is what I must be doing right then, and I count that moment well spent. But sometimes I’m just lazy and spend a whole day in front of the computer or I feel blocked because I’m trying to fit everything I do to the likes and wishes of the people I’m sharing it with and, being the free spirit that I am, it feels like a waste of life. I’m glad that at least “most” of my recent life has been well spent.
In India when I was in my hermitage alone for a whole winter (ok, not %100 alone or that much of a hermitage but close to it), I got this message that one has to be ready to let go of this life. Since then I keep reminding myself that I’m ready, I say "I'm ready to die". I’m thankful for all that I have lived in this body and although I have some future plans I’m also ready to let go of everything. This makes me feel light and free. It has kept me doing all these things I want to do. And now being 37, at the age I always thought I’d die (until a couple of years ago when I changed it to a different kind of dying) I’m more into closing accounts and being ready. I don’t have any great projects for the future. I’m not in debt and I don’t have kids. And I know life is very valuable. Each moment is so priceless we have to really be flowing to let this lifetime do its job on our souls and be ready when the end credits start to roll.
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